Reminder to future self

i.

When I was a child I would only drink strawberry milk
because I liked it.

I didn't eat food- at all.
No veggies or fruit
no meat or rice.
The only thing I consumed
was “pink milk.”

Eventually my parents took it away
and didn't let me have anymore.
No until about five years later.

This was the first time
something I loved
was taken away from me.

I moved on.
Three days later
I began to eat food.
My brother fed me
chocolate cake,
and my mum gave
me lots of veggies.
I became a “fruit fly.”

The point is that you will lose things you love,
and it will hurt and you will cry.
But eventually the pain will fade away
and you will find something/someone else.

ii.

You are not required to love someone back.

It took me a long time to realize this,
and I have been on both sides.
Just because they have done
something nice for you
and have whispered
sweet nothings to you
does not mean
You owe them anything.

Just because your parents
have given birth to you
does not mean you owe them.

They decided that day
making love without
protection sounded good.
That having a child then
was what they wanted.
You did not choose to be
born into this world.

And some times you love them, others not-
but you want them to be proud.
Sometimes they won't and that's not your fault.
You don't need to prove yourself to them.

Even if you do love them.

iii.

Not everyone is going to be nice.

Some people are going
to treat you like shit.
Some people are going
to treat you even worse.
But you, being you,
are going to smile.

Not because they deserve it-
most of them don't deserve anything.

But you smile because
you don't know if they
just had a bad day,
or someone close died,
or someone is dying,
or they want to die.
Maybe they are just
assholes and that is all.
But there is a chance
that they're just in pain.

So you will smile because when you are in pain,
and someone smiles at you
it gives you a reason to hold on just a little longer.

iv.

All days aren't “good days.”
Some are bad day,
some days haunt you
to this day still.

Some days are going to
have gray skies and
raging storms outside.
Some days you're going
to throw another fit
and break something.
You're going to stay
in your bed,
hide under the covers
because sometimes it's
easier to pretend that
you are already dead.

But there will be a day
when the skies brighten,
storms eventually pass,
you can mend things
that you have broken,
and you feel the energy
to get out of bed.

v.

I learned a few things in psychology.
Like when you're angry
you remember other times
that you were angry.

Mood congruent memory.

So when you grit your teeth
you remember things
that have made you
grit your teeth before
making you more angry.

When you curl up
crying under your covers
you remember the times
that you were hurt
and bent and broken
and worthless and
nothing.
You are nothing.

When you smile
you remember the times
you laughed and giggled
and when you choked on
your drink when a
simple joke was made.
You made others smile
and you made them happy
and that makes you happy-
that makes you something.
You are something.

So smile every day.